If you don’t ____ _____ ______ in your relationship…you’re robbing yourself of intimacy, love and sex.
These three words are key, because until they happen you won’t trust the love that you are experiencing to be real.
What are the three words? Starting with REALITY.
Starting with reality isn’t easy if you’ve been avoiding it.
And I promise that you have on some level.
One of the first difficulties when setting out to start with reality in a relationship is the shift from the persona you use to “pretend” to be…to the reality of what you actually are experiencing.
And this isn’t just a persona you play out for others.
It’s something you pretend for yourself. It’s SELF deceit first and foremost.
And this shift from fake to real does two things:
First, it takes people off guard.
Let’s take a married couple in an extreme example. Before the shift? They pretend like their relationship is dandy. Like they are both fulfilled and happy. Like the trajectory of their relationship is on track…
After the shift?
They aren’t living in a fake dreamworld anymore – where on the outside everything looks happy and put together…but on the inside both of the couples are in extreme pain. They admit that there are problems with their communication, their expectation and their stories. They realize they aren’t taking responsibility – and aren’t asking for what they want. They understand that in the past, they somehow expected their lover to be mind readers…
Unfortunately, one reason couples fear breaking the dreamworld bubble is because so many couples do it in a way that causes massive pain, fights, and ultimately divorce.
They don’t know any better. And don’t have the skills or mindsets to do otherwise.
Often one of the couples sits in so much (self caused) pain long enough…they break with radical blame and attack about the other. Which hurts, causes defensiveness…and the downward spiral that was already happening on the inside happens on the outside…seeming to confirm the worst fears of both of the lovers: The relationship is broken and can’t be fixed.
If, however, one can start a journey of truth with 100% responsibility…the truth and reality of where they are will STILL cause immediate ripples in the relationship that can result in pain. For one, they will appear to be a completely different person…
But that start MUST happen for the relationship to deepen and move forward. And if it doesn’t, the relationship will eventually end in a divorce, adultery, or lifelong roommates.
The second thing it does.
Part of starting with reality includes starting with the things that you judge to be “wrong” or “petty” about yourself.
We deceive ourselves because we pride ourselves on being something better than we are.
The natural result of someone who judges others (and themselves) is that they avoid the thoughts and feelings and beliefs that they deem immature, wrong, petty, stupid…you name it.
But in avoiding it – you grow it.
By hiding it – you breed it.
If it’s there (to avoid) it’s there. It’s part of your experience already.
Instead of denying the reality of what you are feeling and thinking, I invite you to bring it to the light. (With your spouse for example…). This gives you the opportunity to shift the perspective. It gives you the opportunity to still love yourself – even when parts of you are childish, prideful, blaming, jealous, selfish, rude…it gives you the opportunity to truly shift that part of you for good with love. So it no longer becomes part of your experience…
And…it gives your spouse the opportunity to truly love the REAL you. Not just the fake one.
This takes humility. It also takes self acceptance.
It’s easy to pretend to love yourself and present yourself as someone worthy of love to others. (Your partner included…)
Whats hard is telling the TRUTH about your pettiness to your lover…exposing the REALITY of your struggles…
And then receiving their love or rejection – knowing full well that either one of those things doesn’t define you as a whole.
Is this path easy?
Nope. And starting with reality is always worth it.
Just be ready. When you get real…your lover will as well.